Never afraid of flying too close to the wall, we have risked the wrath of serious people and decided to publish a rather amusing set of jokes that have been circulating round our office this week. Allegedely, these are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. These jokes are not suitable for small children and we apologise in advance to anyone who finds them offensive (particularly the last one), but they did make us all laugh, so we had to put them on the site.

" I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. "

" My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? "

" I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall… "

" Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house. "

" I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. "

" I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. "

" The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. "

" Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. "

" Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. "

" Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I am an old age pensioner and need it badly. "

" The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. "

" Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. "

" This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2. "

"... it is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. "

" My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. "